


By Correlation

by Ididntsignupforthisshit (myhamartia)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Comfort, Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Personal inner angst, also Heidi is a Great Mom, bc Evan is an anxious lil' bean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 14:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10946226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhamartia/pseuds/Ididntsignupforthisshit
Summary: But that wasn’t the point - the point was that it smelled like Jared. It wasJared’shoodie. Could his mom tell? She knew that he didn’t have a maroon jacket like this. Did she wonder where he got it? It was obviously a boy’s hoodie. Not that he was one to gender things, of course.  A hoodie is a hoodie, but it was a hoodie that did not officially belong to Evan - one that was bought in the boy’s section of Target.And if Evan didn’t own it - and that meant that he had to have gotten it from another boy.This all screamed like Evan was dating a boy - but then again, it could just be him, piecing things together because hewasdating a boy. He was dating two boys.| Prequel to my fic "At Sunrise" |





	By Correlation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rybreadd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rybreadd/gifts).



> I feel annoying for posting so much tbh  
> I haven't posted so much in so little time in Literal years  
> Holy crow.

         Lunch was quiet in the Hansen apartment.

    Evan’s mom was at work, not supposed to be home for another few hours, and Evan was, well, quiet in general.

    Maybe not necessarily at this moment, as he stood in the kitchen, making a sandwich while Connor, his boyfriend talked to him on the phone.

    The main topic was Connor’s college applications - specifically, an essay he was required to write. Evan was a good writer. He was very good in lit class and was all too willing to help his boyfriend out.

    Connor may have tried to con Evan into writing it himself, but thanks to their boyfriend Jared, Evan’s grown the necessary skills to say no when asked to do more of his share in a tutoring session.

    Half of the essays turned in with Jared’s name on them in eighth grade were Evan’s work. It was after that that he began to divert Jared into writing his own.

    Connor groaned into the phone, catching Evan’s attention again. Evan could almost see him flailing his arm out over his unmade bed, twisting and stretching, making that low sound that boggled Evan’s mind. He settled again after a moment, sighing pleasantly. “I better go. I’ve got to get this goddamned essay finished.”

    “Okay,” Evan said. He spread his mayo over the bread quickly. Talking was such a distraction for him.

    “I’ll call you later?”

    Evan smiled into the receiver. “Yeah, alright.”

    “Okay. I love you.”

    Evan wondered vaguely if the butterflies would ever stop appearing in his chest when Connor or Jared said that to him. He hoped not. “Bye. I love you, too.”

    Connor made a happy little sound before the call ended. Evan was just about to go back to making his sandwich when he was given an impromptu heart attack.

    “Love you?” he heard his mom parrot from behind him.

    Evan jumped so high he might have hit the ceiling. He yelped, dropping his butter knife so that it clattered to the counter below. He whipped his head around to see his mom, phone clutched tightly in his hand, still hovering by the side of his face.

    “ _Mom!_ OhmiGod what are you doing home? I thought you had work? What happened to work?” The words were rushed, all running into each other until they came out sounding like a different language.

     Heidi seemed to understand, because she smiled soothingly at him, like she was trying to reassure him from the doorway of the kitchen, to create a calm atmosphere so that he wouldn’t panic.

    “I bagged my shift,” she announced. “I figured we could eat together, it’s been a little while since we’ve been able to.”

    “Oh,” Evan muttered. He focused on his breathing, trying to stay calm, like he hadn’t just got off his phone with one of his _two_ boyfriends. Oh my God. Oh my God. She’s going to ask about it. Oh God - what’s he going to say?

    His brain couldn’t come up with a good excuse; it could barely string a thought together, let alone a solid plan. _Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit._

    Of course, the first clear thought in the madness was a satire composition. A mockery of the letters his therapist had once had him write.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_This day’s going to hell and here’s why: you’re a freaking idiot and there’s no hope for you._

_You basically just outed yourself to your mom. Good. Job._

_Sincerely, Soon-To-Be-Homeless-Because-Mom’s-Going-To-Kick-Me-Out_

    Add a cute smiley face sticker to _really_ make the letter complete. There! Isn’t it just _beautiful_.

    Oh Jesus, he’s going to throw up.

    “Evan?” his mom asked. She was next to him, now, her hand a soothing presence in the middle of his shoulder blades, smoothing out the wrinkles creased into Jared’s hoodie.

    He was wearing Jared’s hoodie. It was his favorite, maybe for the singular reason that it smelled like Jared, and that stupid, expensive body wash he insists on using. He has fond memories of this hoodie. It’s something that usually makes him feel really comforted, because he would be reminded of when he first claimed it, how Jared totally played it off as if he didn’t care. Connor told Evan later that Jared found it hot - which Evan didn’t really get, because it was just a hoodie, but he wouldn’t oppose the idea.

    It reminded him that he was loved, wanted.

    But that wasn’t the point - the point was that it smelled like Jared. It was _Jared’s_ hoodie. Could his mom tell? She knew that he didn’t have a maroon jacket like this. Did she wonder where he got it? It was obviously a boy’s hoodie. Not that he was one to gender things, of course.  A hoodie is a hoodie, but it was a hoodie that did not officially belong to Evan - one that was bought in the boy’s section of Target.

    And if Evan didn’t own it - and that meant that he had to have gotten it from another boy.

    This all screamed like Evan was dating a boy - but then again, it could just be him, piecing things together because he _was_ dating a boy. He was dating two boys.

    That was weird, wasn’t it? God, his mom was going to think he was some gay weirdo and she was going to hate him. He was eighteen, now. That means she could kick him out if she wanted. She could boot him out and never look back.

    Of course, Evans brain translated this “could,” this ”off chance” into: _she was definitely going to boot him out and never look back._

    “Hey, Evan. Evan, deep breaths, sweetheart, come on.” She took the knife from his hand and set it on the counter. The next thing that he knew, he was sitting on the floor, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees as his mom talked him through everything, sitting next to him on the tiled floor.

    It was over within minutes. Evan’s breathing leveled out and all of the sudden, he felt so exhausted. He buried his face into the crook of his elbow, his arm resting on the tops of his knees.

    Heidi shifted beside him, and he looked at her from the corner of his eyes. Evan watched as she reached across the floor to a white plastic bag she must have dropped when she came in. She reached in and pulled out a package before coming to sit back down again.

    It was a package of cookies. Little round butter cookies with little words written on them. Evan thought it was a little silly to put “yes” “no” and “maybe” on cookie, but he didn’t pay it a whole lot of mind as his mom passed him a few. The next few minutes were spent slowly eating cookies in silence. Evan realized he was still holding his phone, so he slipped it into his pocket.

    Evan looked beside him, to his mom. She wasn’t doing much. She ate a cookie, glanced to him and just let him breathe for minute. Cycle repeat.

    He was grateful, if a little wary. He knew he’d have to talk about it eventually, if not to his mom, then to Dr. Sherman.

    How fun that would be.

    Evan gave it another moment, ate another few cookies.

    “I, uh, I was just talking to Dad,” he tried. The statement sounded more like a question. Awkward, guessing. Heidi lifted an eyebrow at him. He melted, burying his face in his arm again. “No, I wasn’t, I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry for saying that. I lied.” Another rush of words gluing themselves together of their own accord.

    “That’s… that’s fine, honey,” Mom said. It wasn’t fine, Evan could hear it. She was suspicious. Curious at the very least. Concerned? Maybe.

    “It - it was uhm, Connor Murphy,” his voice faded out helplessly as he said Connor’s name. He curled in on himself, squeezing his eyes tight, taking a deep breath  in from the hoodie.

    “Connor Murphy?” she asked, utterly bewildered. “Oh,” she said, realization dawning. “ _Ohhhhhh_. Honey, that’s alright. It’s okay.” She curled an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into her shoulder, hugging him tightly. “That’s okay.”

    Relief flooded his veins in an instant, and he hugged her back, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in the crook of her neck.

    “So this Connor,” she started again after a minute, her voice light and borderline excited. “Is he your boyfriend?”

    “I, uhm, yeah - Yeah, he is.” He tripped and stumbled over his words. His chest felt strangely light and he felt an odd, bubbly emotion rise up inside him.

    “How long have you been dating?”

    He had to think about that for a moment. Last August? Was that right? The dates were iffy. He counted the months on his fingers.

    “Ten… months?” he said hesitantly, looking up to her. She nodded as she processed the information.

    “Ten months,” she repeated. “That’s a long time.”

    “Yeah, I’m _sorry, I just didn’t know how to tell you._ I mean, everytime I tried, something got in the way. Connor said it was okay to wait, since his family doesn’t know either, but Jared kept saying that maybe _destiny_ said that nobody should know about us, or something. I didn’t really believe him, because, well, destiny’s stupid? And I dunno. I just kind of get really anxious every time I even thought about telling you, and I just-,” he swallowed thickly, “I just couldn’t.”

    “So, Jared knows, too?” she asked. He could see her trying to sort through what he just told her. He wondered how she understood anything he said. He wondered how _anyone_ understood _anything_ he said.

    “Yeah, uhm-.” This is it. This is the part where he tells her. Consequences be damned. He’s gonna-! The look into his Mom’s eyes and froze up. He rubbed a hand over his arm nervously, his foot tapped on the flooring. “Mom,” he choked out. It sounded like he was going to cry. Hell, it _felt_ like he was going to cry. He screwed his eyes shut, dug his fingers into his am and did the thing he does best - he blurted. “No, see, because Jared’s dating us, too, and we’re all dating each other. And that’s so _weird_ , I’m sorry, I know it’s weird, but I just, I can’t, uhm. I really love them, and they kinda love me back and that’s weird in itself, because who’d want to date me, you know, besides _two_ people. And I just, heh, I, Mom-.” He just laughed wetly. He scrubbed his hands into his eyes, knuckles digging in roughly. And it hurt, it _hurt_ , but it was grounding, and it meant that he didn’t have to look at his mother. He didn’t think he could handle seeing her right now.

    “That’s a little unconventional,” she murmured and Evan flinched away, because _there it is_ , the part where she kicks his sorry self out into the hall, never looking back. “But…” He curled in on himself more, wincing. “If they make you happy, then it’s alright.” What?

    Wait, what?

    He whipped his head up, looking at her like she had just sprouted seven different heads.

   “What?” he asked, his voice small.

    She smiled at him. “It’s okay,” she told him again. She reached out and took his hand in hers, holding it tightly. “All I want is for you to be happy, Evan. I love you. And if… Connor and Jared do, too, and they make you happy, then that’s all I can ask for.”

    “Oh.” Evan didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t planned for this outcome. He’d worried about the others for so long, he didn’t even _think_ about an option where she thought it was okay.

    She hummed and made to stand up and put the cookies on the edge of the counter. She offered him a hand and he let her help pull him up to stand. “Let’s make lunch, huh?”

    “Sure,” he said, his head bobbing up and down.

    That was odd. Pleasant, and still a little… unbelievable.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to my other Sincerely Three fic "At Sunrise"
> 
> Rybreadd gave a comment, wondering what it would be like if Evan came out to his mom. Y'know, 'cause anxiety attacks. They also asked for comfort between the boys, but, idk what happened. It was gonna happen, it just????? Didn't???? Instead we got mother/son bonding. Yay?
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading!!
> 
> Please drop me a comment! [Or, y'know, check me out on tumblr](http://peanutbutterandbitter.tumblr.com/)
> 
> ((I love how they ended their comment with "sorry im trash" like hnnnngggggg  _I'm the trash._ look at me - look at what i've created))


End file.
